My fellow Republicans:

Finally, the opening act of the Koch Brothers’ Circus has ended, and this year’s unusually enduring clown car of GOP opposition has packed up their balloon animals and squeakers and headed backstage. Reality is setting in: The horse race is over, and the underwhelming, unexciting odds on favorite proved to live up to his billing. There are sunny spots in our candidate this year, despite the wave of frigid crocodile tears showering over the Republican Party the past few months. Mitt Romney’s campaign has been consistently competent enough to outshine the rest of a crowded conservative field, even if his own staff can’t seem to muster enough energy to conjure up a semblance of enthusiasm. It is entirely plausible that voters will see things the same way this November. But let’s not be naive–Mitt will need a number 2 of historically galvanizing proportions to win over undecided voters come Election Day.

In 2008, Sarah Palin’s clinical narcissism effectively tanked John McCain’s campaign, and with it all Republican credibility. But whether our last approach to canvassing running mates was lazy, condescending, opportunistic, cynical, or all of the above, Palin’s unsuccessful VP bid proved one thing—the United States loves powerful women, but they love black men even more. We placed our bets on the wrong horse in 2008, and as a result were left on the wrong side of history. Now, the giddiness and copious amounts of white guilt that led to the election of our nation’s first black president have calmed. It will take an aggressive escalation of minority pandering to incite swing voters to fill the ballot box for Romney in November. When Election Day comes around, the Republican Party can promise you this: the GOP will have fielded the most marginalized vice presidential candidate in American political history. Gay. Black. Female. ESL. Obese. Left-handed. Hell, maybe even disabled (ADD or colorblindness will suffice).

While their numbers do not yet amount to much, courting black, gay conservatives offers the GOP a versatility and freedom that we have yet to enjoy. Liberal media outlets notoriously mischaracterize Republican, Christian values as small-minded prejudice, until a black, a gay, or a woman parrots the exact platforms we’ve been preaching for decades. Barack Obama told the NAACP that blacks needed to stop looking for excuses and handouts, yet The Daily Show shamed Newt Gingrich for courageously offering the same advice? America has steadily become a fascist, censorship state where white men can no longer comment on the realities of black laziness and underachievement without fear of retribution. This new strain of racism, endemic to the corrupted, leftist press, forces us to spread our message via our few minority allies.

Imagine the strength of a pro-life platform flanked by a lesbian candidate who stresses the benefits of adoption to same-sex couples. Who could argue with the black candidate that tells inner city working class families that they are poor because they have not put in the effort to succeed? Plucking our next vice presidential candidate from the ranks of one of these perennially misguided communities may lead reflexive liberals to rethink the error of their ways.

I’ll concede that engaging America’s subclass isn’t the most palatable option when appealing to a base that celebrates—nay, worships—homogeneity. There are a host of ideological quirks our base must largely abandon before such a plan could be successfully implemented (most notably, its well-established disdain for people of color, homosexuals, feminism, higher education and most other longstanding bastions of advanced democratic societies). Fortunately, in today’s politics, oft-repeated, sloganized platform mantras can defeat even the most hardline demagoguery. Remember that it only took a few days of nonstop Fox News coverage to convince our constituents that “Obamacare,” which is a more conservative bill than previous Republican healthcare proposals, was a leftist regression towards Nazi socialism.

So where will we find this candidate? There are certain non-negotiable characteristics any Republican minority would have to display, but after the basic qualifications are met, the sky is the limit for our New Age Connilingus Powell. When offering possible candidates to the campaign’s staff, keep in mind a few ground rules:

  • No gender-confused candidates. Any drastic deviation from gender norms will only serve to remind our base that our future Vice President will burn in hell.
  • No city queers. No dreadlocks, bald heads, head wraps or any other fashioning that draws attention to the radical African agenda.
  • No women with strong ties to the black community. Black activism grooms terrorists and enemies of the state.
  • No bisexuals. Women have enough intellectual deficits to contend with, we don’t have time to cover their sexual promiscuity.
  • No religious lesbians. Candidate’s existence would imply that God condones homosexuality.
  • No atheist lesbians. Obvious.
  • No married lesbians, lesbians with children from a homosexual relationship. Obvious.
  • No single lesbians. Middle-aged, non-married women are not trustworthy.
  • No successful, corporate black women. The GOP has never endorsed affirmative action.
  • No poor black women. OB-VI-OUS!
  • No average black women. There are plenty of average white people to go around since the Mexicans took their jobs.

…screw it. Someone call Tim Pawlenty.

– Ajené “AJ” Farrar

AJ has been working as an air traffic controller since 2009, after attending Old Dominion University and George Mason University as a journalism major. She currently lives in upstate New York.

3 Responses

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.