Many names are given to masculine females. Stud, Dom, and boi and others. These females are expected to dress a certain way, act in a particular manner and use a certain vernacular. I must admit, I fall victim to several “stud” stereotypes. Dreads? Check! Snapbacks? Check! Tattoos? Check! Strap-on? Triple check! Although I share many characteristics with the modern day masculine female, I have a rare desire…I want to be a mom. I know many Studs claim other kids or adopt but I want the real deal. I want to experience pregnancy. I want to experience child birth. I want to experience unconditional love, the love that can only be experienced by a mother and a child.
I’ve been in relationships where females have had children already. I would love their children as if they were my own, and care for them but there was always a void. “Playing house” was never a solution to my problems. I knew that I had so much love to give, more love than I could ever give to a lover. I wanted my own child, but how? Adoption? No. Find a surrogate? No. Take the dick? Hell naw! Artificial insemination? Perhaps. My fiancee and I had a long conversation about the procedure and we agreed it was the best route to take. There was really no discussion about who would conceive, because I was determined to birth our first child. Since making this decision I have received crazy looks, negative remarks and just plain bullshit. Bullshit from narrow-minded people, both heterosexual and [gay]. For some unknown reason people seem to forget that underneath my sports bra and boxers I am in fact a woman. I bleed every month and I do in fact have a vagina that is more than capable of conceiving a child. For as long as we have existed as humankind, there has been fear of the unknown.
Although I don’t agree with these fears from others, my own fears bother me. As the conception date approaches (Trial 1 of insemination), my fears escalate. I find myself lost in thoughts of disappointment and worry. Questions occupy and consume my dreams. I wonder… Will I be a great mom? How will he/she cope with two mothers (versus the “norm”)? Will I parent the same way I was parented, or will I learn from their faults? And so on, and so on and so on. My childhood was far from “The Cosby” portrayal. Before changing her life around and creating a stronger bond with me, my mom was an alcoholic. She used to leave me alone often to raise my younger brother as she entertained men. My homophobic father was not in the picture until I was 14. (And let’s just say two black eyes were only the beginning to his disgust against my [identity].) My grandmother was the only stability in my life, until she was diagnosed with HIV and I was shipped away again.
Overcoming my past has made me who I am today, but I worry that’s not enough. How will I equip my child with the tools to take on the world? My only mission is to do right by my future child but… I’m afraid. I know how I want to raise my child and right now I’m filled with love and care but is that enough? I pretend that the looks and thoughts of others don’t bother me and I walk around with a “fuck you” attitude when I encounter stupidity but I must admit it gets to me at times. How will I be strong for my offspring if no one is being strong for me?
Some say it would be easier to just not go forward with this procedure but I don’t make a habit of following views of others. I’m aware that this will be a long road filled with smiles and tears but, I’m ready. Ready to be that Stud that everyone assumes took the dick, or was raped or is just a “sike-a-dyke.” The rumors will fly and the people will talk but I…. I will finally be a mother.
To my unborn child,
This seems kinda silly to write to you before you’re conceived but I just have so much to share with you. So much to say. So many hopes and desires for you. In my eyes your spirit is already living. I wonder what it’s like for you where you are now. I wonder if you’re getting impatient with me, impatient with this process. I’m anxious but at the same time I am afraid. The world that you are entering into is a scary place but please don’t fear. I’ll always take care of you.
I dream about you often. I picture your face and I gaze at your smile. I want you to know that I’ve wanted you for a long, long time. I want you to know that I have prayed for you and planned for you for many years in hopes of your safe arrival. The thought of you in my arms consumes me. I want to be your mother more than anything in this world. Sometimes I envision experiences with you. Cheering when you take your first step, framing your first drawing and picking you up from school and you running up to me screaming, “Mommy!”
I can’t wait to meet you! I wonder what kind of personality you will have. Will you be stubborn like you mother or patient like you other mother? Oh, did I forget to tell you? You are blessed to not only have one mother, but two mothers. Two women who will love you more than any other two people on Earth. I must warn you though, not everyone will understand your family, because some people fear the unknown. But you my child, you will be equipped with the knowledge and understandings to take on the naysayers of the world. You must know and remember gender does not equate a parent. Anyone can be a mom but it takes love and devotion to become a Mother! I’ll be these things for you. I’ll carry my title with pride and I will never let you down.
Our lives are about to change forever. We are building a bond that no one will ever be able to break. Although my dreams are perfect, you should know that reality isn’t. There will always be trials and obstacles to overcome but don’t worry, you will never have to face these adversities alone. I plan to be your rock and foundation, your guide to the wonders and disappointments in your life. We will laugh together, cry together and grow together. I plan to protect you, provide for you and shower you with love, and affection. I’m patiently awaiting your conception and anxiously awaiting your arrival.
Lyric is a 28-year-old pre-kindergarten teacher in Washington, DC. She’s engaged and planning to have her first child with her fiancee. She loves music and writing.
“Basically, I’m just a stud who isn’t afraid to conform to nonconformity.” -@l_y_r_I_c
This post with cross-posted from bklyn boihood with permission.