We’ve heard it all before—the countless remarks people make when they find out we’re gay. Sometimes the responses are harmless or even humorous; other times they’re hurtful. But most times, they’re just plain ignorant. Here are ten things we’ve heard over and over again…and ten reasons why we’re over it!

1. “You’re too pretty to be gay.” Being gay isn’t our “Plan B,” okay? It isn’t like going for Diet when they’re all out of regular Coke. People don’t “turn” gay because they’re unattractive, can’t meet someone of the opposite sex and out of desperation switch teams. We aren’t gay by default. And for the record, it isn’t a compliment.

2. “You just need some good !@#$.” Many lesbians have been with men at some point in their lives and it had nothing to do with the guys’ skills. Despite the implications of the word “SEXuality,” there’s more to sexual orientation than just sex…and there’s more to sex than just a penis.

3. “You chose to be that way.” Not everyone knows they’re gay right out the womb. Some of us have to date men to realize how much we don’t like them. And after that, the only “choice” we make is to love and accept ourselves wholly and truly as we are.

4. “Can I join?” Negative. If we want a penis involved, it’s going to be made out of rubber and not attached to anything with chest hair and saggy balls.

5. “The Bible says it’s an abomination.” The Bible also speaks against tattoos, wearing garments of mixed fabrics and eating shellfish. It even says disobedient children can be stoned and prohibits women from speaking in church. It is a text that was not only written within a specific historical and social context but has gone through numerous translations and interpretations. God created gay giraffes, gay apes and yes, gay people.

6. “Don’t you want kids?” Last time I checked, you need sperm to have a child, not a man. Being gay doesn’t disqualify you from parenthood. Not being able to conceive together as a same-sex couple doesn’t make our unions less legitimate. There are plenty of straight couples that are unable to conceive and consider other options like adoption.

7. “You must be a freak.” I might be, but you’d have to ask my girlfriend.

8. “Who’s the man in the relationship?” Neither of us. While gay people are just as much a product of socialization as straight people, our relationships shouldn’t be limited to the same dichotomies that exist in heterosexual relationships.

9. “Did you get molested as a kid?” Unfortunately, there are some gay people that were sexually abused as children. And unfortunately, there are some straight people that were too. According to the American Psychiatric Association, no specific psychosocial or family dynamic cause for being gay has been identified, including histories of childhood sexual abuse. Sexual abuse does not appear to be more prevalent in children who grow up to identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, than in children who identify as straight.

10. “It’s just a phase you’re going through.” Yes, a phase called “life.” Sure there are women that identify as lesbian or bisexual and later in life identify as straight. All of our journeys are unique. Sexuality is fluid. It’s beautiful. It’s freedom.

12 Responses

  1. The Retro Natural

    Ah great read..The born this way/choice debate always makes me chuckle. There are so many other areas that we figure out decades after being born, why is it hard to believe that being LGBT is one of those things for some people? I like to say I experimented with boys in college.

  2. boilove

    Obviously, that last reply was in regards to Fabiola’s response.

    I love the article as a whole. It’s a great guide, as many of us have heard these ridiculous statements over and over again.

    And wow, that response was a lot longer than I intended, so sorry for taking up all the space, lol.

  3. fabiola

    wth thats stupid “you need sperm to have a baby not a man” men make sperm einstein! wth

    and i’ve noticed that men are usually born gay and women usually turn gay. i’ve seen MANY MANY women get cheated on or beat by a man and DECIDE to start dating women. how do you explain that?

    and about “who is the man in the relationship” have you not seen the femmes and studs? that doesnt make sense to me. you are a lesbian.. lesbian=dates women. if you like women then why are you looking for women who look,talk,and dress like men? i’ve never understood that. it doesnt make sense honestly.

    everything else i agree with but those 3 points i just wrote didnt make sense


      Fabiola, please leave the name-calling out of the discussion. It will not be tolerated on Elixher. I’m all for intelligent debate, but I will not have name-calling or any hateful comments on my website. Thanks.

    • boilove

      1) Needing sperm, which comes from a man, and needing a man physically present in the relationship are two very different things. Sperm donation is often anonymous, so recipients of the donated sperm do not even know the name of the donor. A man is not necessary for conception. A woman does not need to know him, meet him, or have sex with him to have a child.

      2) No one decides to be gay. People may have attractions which evolve over time, or certain events may cause someone to re-examine their sexuality, but no one can “decide” to be gay, just like no one can “decide” to be straight. We have control over whether or not we accept ourselves for who we are. We have control over whether or not we live a lie, and pretend to be straight. But we do not have control over who we are and who we are attracted to and fall in love with.

      It’s very ignorant and sexist to attempt to invalidate women’s sexuality because you think female bodied individuals “decide” to be gay, while “men are born that way”. It is not a trend, phase, choice, or response to bad boyfriends.

      Imagine how many more of us there would be if every woman who was treated poorly by a man randomly “turned” gay. I’m pretty sure there would be very few straight women left at all at that point. But then maybe all the straight men would “turn” gay, since there were no straight women left? But no, because men are born the way the are. Only women “choose” their sexuality.

      3) Studs, butches, bois, etc…. are all masculine identified FEMALES. Yes, some trans individuals use these labels as well, but there is a difference between a masculine identified FEMALE, and someone who actually identifies as male.

      I won’t go into the millions of things that are wrong with your statement, in regards to “wanting to be men”.

      Suffice it to say, it is a very narrow minded view that does not take into account the fluidity of gender. It also attempts to invalidate gender expressions that are not “traditional” or heteronormative. It is insulting, especially to the many of us who live outside of the traditional gender expressions society has created.

      Not to mention butch/femme or stud/femme is NOT the only, or even most popular, relationship dynamic in the lesbian community. There are femme/femme, butch/butch (stud/stud, boi/boi), as well as relationships engaged in by those who do not label themselves as any of the previously mentioned terms.

      I hope that more exposure to the queer community as a whole will open your eyes to the diversity and beauty that exists here. Perhaps you will gain a deeper understanding of sexuality and gender, and realize that neither are black and white, but rather varying shades of gray.

      • malOtify

        wOw. that rEally could nOt have been better articulated. Extremely difficult to respond so elequantly to that level of BS (i sencored myself elixher) especially for myself. So hats off to you boilove*
        your only fault, i’d say, is giving far to much credit where credit is nOt due, in response to her ‘gaining a deeper understanding of sexuality and gender’
        this is perhaps just the nature of you

    • malOtify

      Education is KEY, Fabiola. In so many relms. So BEFORE you even THiNK to elevate your speech to the tune of ‘einstein’, for which to insult anyones intelligence…

      Based on everything you had say, seems your experience is extremely limited

  4. Rayne

    These are ten things I always encounter. Sometimes I want to respond don’t know what to say. Now I have some good info. Thanks!!

    Humans are hilarious and very judgmental at times.

  5. Kristina

    Very well written. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Articles like this one are what will help heal society. I have faith that someday, if we continue communicating, people will not be as ugly to one another.


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